I was reading an article about homeless people today. Apparently they are becoming a problem— around 750,000 strong. I’ve only been living in New York for 7 months now, but I’ve already seen more than enough of this problem first hand. If I’m not being hit up for change I’m being offended by their smell. They’re everywhere— and come in all varieties.

The Stinky Bum
This is the kind that you know is around way before you see them. The worst feeling in the world is when you realize you’ve stepped onto a subway car with a stinky bum. I made this tragic mistake a few days ago, walking onto what I thought was a less overcrowded car. I was greeted by the familiar smell— usually a mixture of wet dog, body odor and possibly urine. I turned to look for him only to realize the situation was far worse than anticipated. With his bare feet lounged across an entire bench, he smiled at us as if he was enjoying our displeasure. Nearly half the car was rendered uninhabitable. The smell left me dry heaving at work until well after lunch. How do you let your life get to that point? The point where people will literally not come within 20 feet of you. I’m not even asking that you get a job, just stay off the F line.

The Crazy Bum
This variety of bum is usually at least mildly entertaining, even if it is just for being pathetic. Sometimes this craziness is a result of legitimate mental illness, but it’s more than likely from all the crack they spent the day smoking. Some talk to themselves, some scream profanities at families and some just stare silently at nothing. You never know what you’re going to get, but it’s the unpredictability that make them entertaining.

The Preacher Bum
Some preach the word of Jesus Christ, others proclaim doomsday theories. Either way, I can’t read my book or even listen to music. I do not care about anything you have to say and I have no intent in giving you money for saying it. Shut up.

The Talented Bum
This is the bum I am most likely to spare some change for. They are showing effort. Whether it’s drumming plastic buckets or playing a harmonica, they are at least trying to make a contribution to society. This can be said of few other bums categorized on this list. I appreciate your efforts fellas— just don’t touch me.

The Caveman Bum
This bum does not speak English, or any other understandable dialect. He speaks in grunts. One of the most notable of this class is the 14th Street Barbarian. Standing roughly 6′4” tall and 300lbs, he is adorned in tattered brown rags and has a thin layer of filth covering all exposed skin that accents his long, frizzy black hair. You can usually find him grunting, spitting or pointing his fingers like a gun at people throughout this station. It’s an incredibly unsettling experience.

The Shameless Bum
The name says it all. This is the bum that you see relieving himself on the stairs you are trying to walk up, picking butts out of ashtrays or eating a sandwich out of the garbage. All I can do is shake my head in silent disapproval.

The Disabled Bum
I’m not sure if these guys are bums because they are disabled or just average people trying to cash in on sympathy. They usually don’t have the defeated-at-life look most bums do. Although, I am sometimes impressed by their determination to panhandle. One time when I was on the train, a man in a wheelchair, legs gone at the knees, came through the door. He somehow managed to make it through the doors that connect the cars while the train was going full speed, an impressive feat. He began to wheel his way down the car, shaking his coffee can. As we approached a stop, the conductor hit the brakes particularly abruptly, sending the man flying across the car and into the door with force. I knew I shouldn’t laugh, but he had to have known that was coming. I can barely stand on the train unaided as it is. Wheels would be out of the question.

The Entitled Bum
This is the bum least worthy of my pocket change. At least all of the other bums had some type of charm, especially if they are asking for money. These guys will walk by you and shake a handful of change in your face—expecting money. No story, no entertainment, no effort at all. And if you don’t give to this worthy cause they look at you in disgust. Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was obligated to give money to you for shaking change in my face. The most infuriating part about these bums is that people actually give them money for this feeble attempt at panhandling. The last thing a bum needs is to be encouraged for a complete lack of effort (See: The ‘Given Up On Life’ Bum) . I know you love your crack and malt liquor, but you’re going to have to do better than that to earn my change.

The ‘Given Up On Life’ Bum
This bum is usually passed out on a busy sidewalk. When they aren’t sleeping, they lay around with a look of complete hopelessness— not even bothering to ask for money. No purpose. No meaning. So depressing.

Got another category or good bum story? Use the comments.