Kevin Federline has 13 million more reasons to walk around with a shit-eating grin and a false sense of accomplishment. Britney and K-Fed finally settled on the terms of their divorce. Here are some of the details, according to MSNBC:
A 2004 pre-nup called for K-Fed to get $250,000 for each year of their marriage, but Spears upped that figure to $500,000 to speed up the negotiations.
He receives half the proceeds from their Malibu mansion, which is on the market for $13.5 million.
$25,000 a month in child support for each of the couple’s two children until they reach 18. He also gets custody of the boys four days a week.
Federline gets to keep all the gifts Spears bought them during their marriage.
He’s forbidden from writing a tell-all about their marriage.
Having made one of the most epic falls from glory in pop history after marrying Kevin, Britney told Federline “You’re the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, but thank you for my babies.” Kevin retorted with “Popozão! That’s that fire, yo!”
At this point it’s a toss-up as to who the children would be less safe with, but with Kevin getting 4 days of quality time with the boys each week they will surely learn how to back-up dance their way to the top like their old dad. While it’s easy to despise Federline for the way he dresses, his music, or just his general disposition— you can’t say you’re not a little jealous. I mean, he’s living the American guy’s dream. He got the pop star, the mansion, the Ferrari’s, a rap album (and apparently a record label) with none of the typically prerequisite talent. Now he’s walking away with a enough money to buy Newports from himself AND his boys for the rest of their lives! But not until they’re 18. What kind of parent do you take him for— Britney Spears?
Could it be possible that the guy we’ve always considered to be talentless white trash is actually a genius incognito? Haha, hell no. Dad’s— hide your daughters.
Keith Richards will always be a legend for his music, but he will also be remembered for being the personification of a true rock star. Despite decades of complete disregard for moderation when using drugs and alcohol, Richards inexplicably continues to defy death. While he has always had a decadent reputation, he outdid himself this time. In comments published Tuesday, the 63-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist said he had snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine.
“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father,” Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.
“He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared,” he said. “… It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”
Richards, who was No. 1 on the ‘who’s likely to die’ list for an entire decade, was “really disappointed” when he fell off the list.
Rock on, Keith.
* * UPDATE * *
So it turns out this story isn’t actually true (according to his manager), but it sounded legitimate enough. Allow me to atone for this mistake with a true story about Ozzy Osbourne. While on tour with Mötley Crüe, Ozzy got into a cocaine-snorting contest with their bassist Nikki Sixx. Once the blow was gone, he proceeded to snort a line of ants off of a popsicle stick. Did I mention this was at a hotel swimming pool and he was wearing one of Sharon’s sundresses? Anyways, the two then engaged in a gross-out contest, which ended in Ozzy licking Sixx’s urine off the cement. You won’t find these types of stories in the memoirs of Nickleback. I miss the days when rock stars actually lived the lifestyle.
The Florida Gators have won their 2nd straight NCAA basketball championship, with little help from the team’s outspoken star Joakim Noah. After spending a majority of the game on the bench and going 1/3 from the floor, Noah still managed to steal the spotlight during the post game interview— but, this time, it wasn’t with his signature dance moves. When asked how he was going to celebrate the victory, Noah responded:
You’re right, Joakim. I have no idea what you’re talking about. But, I’m sure the university you represent appreciated your idiotic comments during an otherwise image enhancing night for the University of Florida.
Thank you Rasheed Wallace for providing one of the few memorable moments of this NBA season and for causing the announcer to react as if he just saw his grandmother naked. What a shot.
Astronaut Suni Williams will be running this week’s Boston Marathon on a treadmill while orbiting the Earth. Congratulations, you’re simultaneously accomplishing two things I never plan on attempting.
The Minnesota Golden Gophers claim the WCHA Final Five title with this incredible overtime goal by Blake Wheeler.
What’s the best way to dispel gay rumors? Marry a former Playmate of the Year as a cover-up, apparently. I’m jealous— but not convinced, Jeff Garcia. I hope you don’t think that knocking her up will make you any less gay, either. Just ask Tom Brady.
Eddie Griffin recently became the latest idiot to wreck a million-dollar Ferrari Enzo. Since when do ‘B’ list actors get these type of privileges?
West Virginia’s Darris Nichols buries a three at the buzzer to send the Mountaineers to the NIT finals and Mississippi State to Sadtown.
There’s nothing like waking up to blue skies and bright sunshine— especially when you don’t have to go to work. It’s about time we got some decent weather on the weekend. During the workweek, days like today usually tease me as stare helplessly out the window from my desk. Once Friday afternoon arrives, the bright skies are replaced with rain or sleet to put a damper on my weekend plans. I had to take this opportunity to enjoy the weather, explore the neighborhood and take a few pictures.
A view of Court St. from the front of my building.
A view from my building’s courtyard onto 9th St.
The giant black, spotted eyesore— otherwise known as Smith & 9th Street station.
And to think, this next picture was taken only a week earlier…
Stay up-to-date on the NHL’s latest fights
This site not only provides video and commentary on each fight, but it also allows users to vote on the winner. Even cheap shots from scumbags like Chris Simon are documented here. An excellent resource for any hockey fan.
Future Weapons on the Discovery Channel
The only thing I enjoy more than host Richard “Mack” Machowicz’s callus disposition towards combat casualty are his constant reminders to viewers that the weapons featured on the show are used to more effectively fight the evil terrorists. If I get to watch a double reinforced cement building get blown into a million pieces by an “anti-structure” missile, then I’ll deal with the shameless pro-war propaganda. Check this show out Monday’s at 9pm on the Discovery Channel.
My roommate works for a respected interactive agency here in NYC that is currently in the market for a Senior Interface Engineer. While looking through resumes of potential candidates, he came across this atrocity of a website (turn your sound up), accompanied by the following grammatically hilarious cover letter:
Your Senior Interface Designer position is of great interest to me and I’am a treasure chest full of knowledge, waiting to be opened! By blending my extensive knowledge of computer programming, and business marketing skills added onto your vision and goals, new horizons are easily obtainable. Whether you plan to utilize E-commerce or interactive videos, your company will be able to set new objectives, increase its internet exposure, advertising response, market share, and widen its global distribution avenues in the future with my services. I can creatively update any site by utilizing my custom FLASH 3D animations, voiceovers, sound effects, special effects and remixed-music, to establish an interactive video site that will capture your customer’s imagination.
By shooting videos and blending my HTML skills together I can create a futuristic designing theme that creates “Thunder Clapping” MOMA! {Word of Mouth Advertising} My innovative designs will add a sparkling touch of class to any site plus my skills run parallel to the present demands of your vacant position. My background also includes a wide variety of direct mail business marketing knowledge, creative media ads, and business proposal writing skills. I’am self motivated, own all of my own computer equipment, reliable, honorable, catch on quick, able to follow instructions, and possess the operating knowledge to over 52 different computer programs.
My animation skills are expert, and I’am learning advanced coding for FLASH action script games. If you are looking for a professional with insight, foresight, vision, mega experience and common sense! As we enter the outer limits of the new millennium with interactive animations and videos. Then your nationwide search for an innovative FLASH web designer has just ended.
If this guy’s resume came across my desk I would have to give him an interview just so I could laugh hysterically in his face for hours on end. You are a complete disgrace to every talented designer who takes pride in their work and their profession. Could you possibly be delusional enough to think you are qualified for any senior level position, let alone as an interface engineer? You can’t even write a coherent sentence!
Between the website and the cover letter, I have many questions and comments:
The first sentence of your cover letter incorrectly identifies the position for which you are applying. Great start.
Did you really just refer to yourself as a “treasure chest full of knowledge” and your experience level as “mega”? God I hate you so much.
I assumed even high school dropouts knew the contraction for “I am”. Guess not.
The animated GIF’s that litter your website make me want to throw up in disgust while having an epileptic seizure. Any “designer” that thinks these things “add a sparkling touch of class to any site” needs to be shot in the back of the head at very close range.
Is this or this or this or this what you consider to be “expert” animation skills? These are hilariously bad.
Your cover letter sounds like you bought a book of internet buzz words and randomly strung them together into sentence fragments.
Microsoft WordArt 3D graphics are quite possibly the tackiest things in the world. I’m surprised the entire website wasn’t written in Comic Sans.
You say your “futuristic designing theme” creates “Thunder Clapping MOMA! {Word of Mouth Advertising}”. First of all, what the fuck does that even mean? Second, how the hell did you manage to misspell your own acronym???
Your voiceover skills are nothing short of hilarious. The echo effect gets bonus points.
Hit ctrl+A on his homepage and scroll down. You may think you are outsmarting Google by doing this, but this ill-advised attempt at Search Engine Optimization (S.E.O.) is actually killing your Google Page Rank. You would know this if you were, in fact, the web designer you claim to be.
Listen very closely. Not everyone who can throw together a webpage with some annoying music is a web designer. You suck. Application denied.
If you grew up with the last name “Tootoo”, chances are you know how to throw a punch. Dallas Stars defenseman Stephane Robidas learned that the hard way after an unsuccessful attempt to defend Stars pretty boy, Mike Modano. Not only did he cleanly level one of the leagues premier forwards, but he had the instinct to know that reinforcement was not far behind. Without hesitation, he stood up and blindly delivered a ‘one hitter quitter’ to Robidas’ chin— not even bothering (or needing) to drop his gloves. Well done.
Mark that one in my book as ‘Five Minutes for Being a Total Badass’.
The Guinness Book of World Records was originally established to settle the drunken arguments that were previously settled with good old fashion brawls in British and Irish bars. In 1991, alcohol related entries were banned from the book due to fear of litigation. Luckily, the 1979 edition printed these records, which have been reproduced below. Updated records and their sources are included when available.
Strongest Beer
Bavarian brewer Harald Schneider, from southern Germany, brewed a beer that was 25.4% alcohol (2005). Source
Weakest Beer
The weakest liquid ever marketed as a beer was a sweet ersatz beer from Germany be Sunner, Colne-Kalk in 1918. It had less than 0.2 percent alcohol.
Speed Beer Drinking
Steven Petrosino of New Cumberland, Pennsylvania on June 22nd, 1977, drank 1 liter of beer in 1.3 seconds. Peter G. Dowdeswell of Earls Barton drank two liters in 6.0 seconds on February 7th, 1975.
Fastest Beer Drinking Relay
Czech patriots drank 2,662 half-litres of beer in less than 17 hours. Drinking at a rate of over 156 beers per hour, or 2.6 mugs per minute, the Czechs can now claim to be the fastest “relay” drinkers in the world (2004). Source
Highest Documented Blood Alcohol Level
An unidentified middle-aged Latvian man was unconscious but stable after a blood test showed 7.22 parts per million (0.7%) of alcohol, police spokeswoman Ieva Zvidre said. “An average person would vomit at around 1.2, lose consciousness at 3.0 and stop breathing at a level of about 4.0 parts per million” Zvidre said (2003). Source
Most Alcoholic Person (actual name of record)
It is recorded that a hard drinker named Vanhorn (1850 – 1911) averaged more than four bottles of Ruby Port per day for 23 years prior to his death at 61. He is believed to have emptied 35,688 bottles.
Beer Consumption
The nation with the highest beer consumption per person is West Germany, with 39.8 U.S. gallons per person in 1976. In the northern territory of Australia, the annual intake has been estimated to be as high as 62.4 U.S. gallons per person.
Youngest Recorded Death from Alcohol Poisoning
A 4 year old boy, Joesph Sweet, in Wolverhampton, England, in died 1827 from alcohol poisoning, reported in the Stafford Assizes case R. v. Martin.
Most Alcoholic Drink
During Independence (1918 – 1940) the Estonian Liquor Monopoly marketed 196 proof potato alcohol. In the United States, Everclear (190 proof) is marketed by the American Distilling Company.
Kevin Federline has 13 million more reasons to walk around with a shit-eating grin and a false sense of accomplishment. Britney and K-Fed finally settled on the terms of their divorce. Here are some of the details, according to MSNBC:
